11/21/2013

9 Reasons Why Burning Man is Horrible

the man base explodes in flame at burning man 2010
Burning Man woohoo! ..hold on.. not so fast.
Yeah, you have seen the pictures on the internet. You have seen the YouTube videos with tons of young twenty-somethings dancing around in lingerie. You have seen the costumes, and the fun, and the all-too-perfect starry eyed descriptions from first timers who have went. But that is not the real Burning Man.

Nothing prepares you for the shocking truth of Burning Man. It seems that this shocking truth only rears its ugly head when you've been more than once. Nobody really knows why this is, but it has been the case for ages. There is no end to the list of reasons why burning man is horrible, let it be known, that it is so. Nobody should go to Burning Man. Stay home. Here are but nine reasons that staying home is the best thing to do.


1. This guy is there. Yeah, the one with the camera. He is uploading those pictures to the internet right now and everyone is going to see your shriveled bits or your boobs, maybe both.

photographer making an image on the playa


2. Vegans. They are camping right next to you.

vegan theme camp at burning man 2010


3. Your missing boot. You lost one of your boots and your only other shoes are actually sandals. Your feet will be bleeding by Thursday, but, at least you still have beer.

stack of pbr outside of an RV at the burn


4. Nobody reads these notes. Sad but true, but not a single one of these notes posted at playa info has ever resulted in anything. Nobody has been found, nobody got their ride, and nobody came to the party.

signs at playa info in center camp


5. This is the camp fridge. So, you paid $300 for a theme camp with a "meal plan" that served "world class" food and had a menu that their "chef" considered "gourmet". Sorry 'bout that, we're working on Playa Time out here.

stuffed fridge at a theme camp


6. It's dusty and shit is on fire. Did you forget that it's really damned dusty at Burning Man? Oh. Ok. Will adding in some hidden raging infernos for you to crash up against on your bike help? OK!

burn barrel during a dust storm at burning man


7. The shoes are too big. Your camp-mate had to get the biggest ones they had at the store. You're gonna hear the complaints all the way home "my feet hurt" "my legs are sore." As an added bonus you'll get stepped on at least 3 times.

big purple burner boots


8. That fuckin' Drum Bike. He is camped next to your tent. It plays drums as he pedals. He likes to ride his blinking drum bike. At Night. Every night. And he comes and goes a lot. Enjoy his gift!

an art bike that plays drums and blinks


9. Your windshield looks like this. Imagine what it looks like from the outside. Did you forget it is dusty at Burning Man? Oh yeah, it is dusty at Burning Man. Your car will never be the same again. Plus, you'll get stuck with a $200 cleaning fee for that rental!

dusty car at burning man